My heart is broken

My heart is broken...that our politicians who proclaim to be Christians are first being politicians, and then being Christ followers. Our Christian politicians are acting and speaking from a place of fear: fear that if we let in Syrian refuges that they could be terrorists, fear that they will hurt our economy, fear that they would not protecting our homeland by putting these refugees first. "He who shuts his ear to the cry of the poor will also cry himself and not be answered," Proverbs 21:13. These politicians are not responding to the cry of the poor, but rather to the cry of the fearful Americans whose vote they are trying to win. They are letting politics and the impending presidential race dictate their positions, instead of standing for what Jesus would stand for. And that just makes me want to pull my hair out and scream! How sad that we are allowing fear and politics to push aside our proclaimed faith, and that we are refusing aid to those in need because of a perceived potential for burden.

My heart is broken...that as Christians we are praying for the refugees, but are not praying for those fighting with ISIS. We are called to pray for our enemies and to love them, despite the harm they are doing. What would it look like if we were to pray for ISIS, if we were then to quickly welcome refugees into our country and into our communities? What would it look to not let terror rule our emotion, but rather let the love of Christ and the love of His people rule our hearts? Prayer is so powerful; what if we were to use that as our weapon? The only thing we are to fear is God; not ISIS, not terrorists, not the what if's of this world.

My heart is broken...that we are doing exactly what ISIS wants for us to do: fear all Muslims. Earlier this week I heard an NPR episode in which a journalist explained that ISIS wants for the world to fear all Muslims, essentially pitting their religion against the rest of the world. Isn't that what's happening right now? We are so fearful of a member of a terrorist coming into our country pretending to be a refugee that we are refusing to accept any refugee (this fear coming from one of the Paris attackers who did just that). Ah! My heart! We are letting the fear of one incident be the basis for our reasoning to shut out all refugees.

My heart is broken...that we are living in a broken world. We are called to SERVE the poor, to LOVE the poor, to be in COMMUNITY with the poor. We are not to discriminate, we are not to live our lives in fear. As Christ followers we are called to live as Christ did. I tried for a long time to ignore the news whenever ISIS or Syrian refugees were mentioned, but then it became increasingly harder to ignore. I knew that once I started listening my heart would be tugging, asking "what can I do?", "how can I, way over here in America, help these people?" And now there is talk of us accepting these refugees into our country and I feel like the cries of "NO" are way louder than those of "yes". I don't want to get into the questions of "what we do with them once they get here?" "what kinds of problems would a sudden immigration population increase cause", etc. I just want to love these people. I don't want my life to be ruled by the fear of what if's. I am so certain that Jesus wouldn't even hesitate to welcome these people into His home, yet it seems that as a country we can't even welcome then into our country. Why is that? Why are we so far away from living like Christ?

My heart is broken.

getting married young

We have officially been engaged now for 49 days! My how those days went by quickly! Being engaged hasn't felt much different than dating, but now I get a beautiful ring on my left finger and I no longer have a boyfriend-he's my fiancé. Life's great (wedding planning, not so much).

Alex and I began dating in May of last year and started talking about marriage last November. I think I knew he was my forever guy sometime back in October, after driving away from a weekend with him and realizing I never wanted to say goodbye to him again. I think he started picking up on my subtle hints after (continuously) randomly asking him "are you going to make me your wife someday?". Ha, okay, maybe not so subtle. 

The more serious we got about talking about marriage, what we both wanted out of life, and what we envisioned our family to look like, the more nervous I got about what other people were going to think. I wasn't even 21 yet.  We had only been dating for 6 months and the entirety of our dating relationship had been spent long distance, surely we couldn't know one another yet. We're too young. We aren't financially stable. There's still so much to see and do and experience. We're too young! The more I thought about what other people would think about our decision to commit to one another so soon and so young, the colder my feet got. 

I felt as if every time I got on Facebook there was another article posted about why you should wait until your 30s to get married. And why being single is so great. And reasons not to get married young-look at the divorce statistics. Sure, they all had valid points and I understood where they were coming from. But the more I expressed my fears and concerns to Alex, the more silly I felt.

Yes, we had only been dating for 9.5 months when we got engaged. But no, we didn't think we were being naive. Alex and I know our relationship, we know one another (and will always continue to learn more about one another), and we love one another (and will always continue to learn to love one another more). We've both had to make sacrifices (and will make more sacrifices) and we've both had to learn what it means to serve someone before ourselves (and we'll always be learning what it means to serve one another). I'm not saying we've got it down or mastered it (not at all!), but through all of that we are also learning what grace means and how to give that when needed.

I never think we'll be "ready" to get married. There will always be some reason, some excuse for why we should wait: need to be older, need to be more financially secure, need to experience more, need to be independent first, etc etc etc. And we've talked through all of those. But what we've concluded is that we love one another and we are ready and willing to commit and create a covenant of marriage that will bring glory to our God. We believe God is leading us into this marriage, and we don't want to let our age (and what society says about that) to get in our way, because God doesn't necessarily work according to the timeline we create. 

Jesus loves His church so incredibly much that He allowed Himself to take on our human form and to then endure torture as He payed the price of our sin. His love for His people is unrelenting, unconditional, and unbreakable. And that is the love we are supposed to have for our spouses. That is the love Alex and I want to experience for one another. 

I know the love we have for one another is probably only comparable to the love we'll have for one another in five years, ten years, ninty years (dreaming big here). Because the love I first felt for Alex last semester can only compare to the love I have for him today. Through our relationship I have learnt what it means to be vulnerable, honest, serving, and sacrificial.  And I'm absolutely sure those lessons will continue for the rest of our relationship. But with Alex, I want to learn those things, I want to put him first, I want to love him like Christ loves the Church. 

In our relationship we laugh (like a lot. like pee-your-pants a lot...), we cry, we learn from one another, we challenge one another in our faiths, we're weird and we're goofy and so incredibly cheesy, we're adventurous, we have those hard, deep, and emotional conversations, we talk about crazy inventions we think would be cool (our cheese deodorant is going to make it big), we talk about our future family and what it will look like, we share our ugly sides, we share our struggles and our fears and our doubts and our triumphs and our successes and our accomplishments, and we pursue Christ together. Our relationship is unique and special and it's ours. 

I can't wait to marry this man and for the challenges that that will bring and for the ways we will get to experience Christ even more so. We have verbally committed ourselves to one another, and we absolutely plan on defying those divorce statistics. I love Alex, and yes, I'm going to marry him when we're still young. 

being in the valley

While I was in Uganda I felt closer to God than I have in a very long time. I found excitement in waking up early to read my bible, to discover what it was God wanted to show me on that day. I loved walking and talking to God on my way to and from work each day. I saw Him everywhere in that country: the people, the landscape, conversations I had, experiences I went through. He was everywhere and I was so in love with Him.

Coming home, though, has been hard. I dread waking up earlier than I have to, and that's usually due to the late (or sometimes early morning) hour it is when I get to bed. In Uganda it got dark at 7, so most nights we were in bed around 10. I was well-rested each morning, ready to read my bible. Now, it's a good day if I can read it during my breaks between classes or before bed. In Uganda I was able to talk to God on my commutes because I had no music to listen to and 45 minutes of free time. Here, I walk with friends or drive with music. 

I no longer (feel as if I) need to be dependent on God. I have my air conditioning, I have my phone, I have my friends, I have my comforts. It took me a few weeks to see what I was doing, to recognize that I was sliding right back into the way I was doing life pre-Uganda. Now I yearn to hear God's voice, to want to spend time with Him, to be filled solely by Him.

These past couple months I feel as if I have gone from the mountaintop and fallen right into the valley, no time to smell the flowers on the way, just straight to the valley. And it's been really frustrating.  I make myself read my bible and I make myself pray and I keep trying to make my relationship with God a formula where I need to input the correct A and B in order to achieve C. If I read and if I pray, then God will fill me up again. 

But that isn't how it works. I need to take this head knowledge and learn to move it to my heart, to fall in love with Jesus again. It's been a process, but these past couple weeks I have slowly found my soul filling back up again with the desire and yearning and love for God. I have seen God in my friends and on campus and in nature. He's so good, and I know He's waiting right there, just waiting for me to grasp His hand. I by no means have this whole thing figured out, but I do feel myself reaching more and more for Him with each day, and I am so positive He's there reaching right back for me. 

I'm so in love with a God who loves us more than we could ever comprehend, who has a more perfect plan than one we could ever imagine. He is good and so very much alive. I want this experience to teach me the importance of persevering through these valleys in order to reach those mountain tops. I want to feel full of Him again. And I know I will. 

lately

Lately.

Lately my life has left very little

time for this lonely space on the Internet.

Lately. 

Lately my heart has been warmed with 

spending time with some of my 

very favorite human beings on campus.

Lately.

Lately I've found the butterflies

keep multiplying and my heart keeps soaring.

Lately. 

Lately God has been showing me the 

intentionality it takes to stay in 

relationship with Him.

Lately. 

Let me tell you about Uganda

I have written and rewritten this post so many times since I've been home. I feel like there is so much to share-the food, the culture, the people, the atmosphere, the daily life, etc-but I don't really have the words to do my experience justice. Instead, though, I have some (of the 650+) pictures below that might paint better pictures. What I can say about the trip, though, was that I learnt a lot. So much more than I was anticipating. It was a study abroad/internship, so I knew learning would be involved. But I didn't just learn about feminism and women's issues and domestic violence. God taught me so much more in my time there. Going into the trip I had been praying that God would make me uncomfortable in my time in Uganda. I was excited to be completely dependent on God while I was there since I knew I would have little communication with my family and because this wasn't a mission trip, it was a study abroad program. That first week I got there I was so uncomfortable, I did not like it. I felt weird, I felt out of place, and I was really missing the "comfort" of home. I had to have a talking with God, telling him I didn't mean that type of uncomfortable, but the more manageable, comfortable type of uncomfortable. I'm pretty sure he laughed at me and patted my head as He continued to lead me (perhaps even drag me at times) through my time there.  But I really learnt what it meant to lean on God in frustrating, confusing, uncomfortable situations. I learned the importance of being disciplined with reading my Bible and praying and continuing to seek Him in situations. I'm not saying I've now got it mastered, but I do know that in my worldly uncomfortableness I felt comfortable in His hands. I also got to check out a couple churches while I was there. But I absolutely completely fell in love with the second one I attended.  It's called Watoto Church and it's in the center of the city. I was nervous to attend it with a friend I met at work because of how big it is. But the moment I walked into those doors I knew I was surrounded by people who love Jesus like nothing else. Worship was absolutely incredible and my heart was just overflowing with joy for Him. I have tried and failed to find the right words to describe what I felt during that service, but I do know God's presence was very real and very alive in that church. It was such a celebration of who God is and our love for Him. I was so bummed (like, SO bummed) that I would only be able to attend one service, because seriously, it was an experience I wanted to have more than once. I had even joked (or was I joking?) with my parents that I was going to pay the $300 flight change fee so I could stay one more weekend to attend one more service. But Saturday night Alex and I were walking back to my house when we heard lots of noise coming from the church. And I may have squealed in the middle of the street after I remembered they had Saturday night service. And what do you know, that service was for college students! It was so awesome! So awesome. Definitely a highlight of my trip. I don't think I will ever forget that church or what I felt during those two services. 

My confession: I'm still trying to readjust back to life here in the States. It's been a lot more difficult than I thought it would be (and not just because my body keeps waking me up at 7am every day...seriously, self! sleep in now while you still can!). But I feel a lot of sadness and heaviness about being back. I miss life back in Uganda and I miss the people and atmosphere and culture. I know each day will be a little closer to becoming readjusted, but I think I'm struggling with whether or not I want to be readjusted (answer: I don't want to be readjusted. Because I know I saw and learnt things and changed it would be step backwards if I were to just go back to how I was living prior to my time in Uganda.). So now I'm trying to figure out how to take what I learnt and how to now apply it to my life here. Prayers would be much appreciated as I tread in these new waters and try to learn how to navigate through this transition.  I absolutely loved my time there and would have no problem at all talking more about it if you want! I am so glad my parents let their baby bird fly the nest across the ocean! I feel like I learnt so much and like I grew way more than I ever would have thought! Fingers crossed, but I would love LOVE to go back one day! 

lately

lately.

lately I've been trying to wrap my

 head around the idea that I am

 officially half way done with college. 

lately.

lately God has been showing Himself

to me in the coolest ways.  I love it

when He catches me by surprise and 

reminds me of just how purely good He is. 

lately. 

lately I've found my heart fluttering non-

stop as I feel like I'm floating on cloud 9.

it's a funny, sensational feeling. I like it. 

lately. 

lately I've been trying to prepare myself

for my five weeks in Uganda.  I have no idea

what to expect or how to even begin to 

prepare myself for such an experience. 

lately. 

chasing the sun

Tonight we chased the sun as it set.  It was absolutely breathtaking; a dreamboat.  The sky was so clear and the sun was so big.  Have you ever stared into the sun before? Like, really stared at it? It's more than just yellow; it has red and pink and purple in it, too.  This beauty we are surround by every day is such a gift from God--one I often take for granted. And it isn't until I stop, and sit there and watch the sun set that I realize just how artistic and big and beautiful God is.  

Speaking of God...(:

Easter weekend.  I think it may be my favorite holiday.  And not because of the candy (eck, peeps. tell me no one actually eats those) or the Easter Bunny or the delicious feast my mom and brother prepare for us, but because I think it's so humbling to be reminded of why I was given this chance of life. I grew up in a God-loving home, so for as long as I can remember I've known about Easter and that it was when we celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ.  But now that I'm older I have to stop myself and really read those verses:

"But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed." 

(Isaiah 53:5) 

Jesus was whipped and beaten and tortured and forced to carry the cross he was then crucified on in order to pay the debts of our humanness, of our sins.  God sacrificed his son for us.  What? Who am I to deserve that gift? What have I done that is worthy of that kind of love? I can't even wrap my head around it.  And I never want to forget the gravity of Jesus' sacrifice for us.  I never want to forget that God loves us so much that he would send his son to accept the punishment for our sins.  It's crazy.  It's so absolutely nuts.  But that's God, and that's his love for us.  I never want to forget this love and sacrifice or ever take it for granted.  I never want to forget it. 

 My confession:  I love that we can worship Jesus in everything we do and see (like in tonight's sunset).  I love that our God is so powerful and so loving, that he demonstrates his love for us every single day.  I love that no matter how imperfect I am, God will always be perfect. Happy Easter weekend, friends.